When enough is enough
I just recently moved into my own apartment. I'm living by myself for the first time ever in my life. Just within the first week alone, I learned a lot about myself, and also about how much I relied on other people. I became co-dependent in my intimate relationships and other relationships as well. For the last 7 or 8 years, I've definitely done a number on my well being. I will keep to the core about most things and spare the details. However, I want to talk about co-dependency and how I did not know that I was definitely becoming just that.
"Codependency is a type of dysfunctional helping relationship where one person supports or enables another person's drug addiction, alcoholism, gambling addiction, poor mental health, immaturity, irresponsibility, or under-achievement."
- Wikipedia
For the longest time, I felt that my duties were to be successful as a girlfriend and hopefully, someday, as a wife. I want a family, a good job. I want what everyone calls as "The American Dream." I was raised to do right by people, because then they'll do right by you. I've gotten nothing but disappointment from that phrase. Not to say that there aren't people that I've met in the past 7 years that have been absolutely wonderful! Just the same, the wrong people have also impacted my credibility (and so much more). I became co-dependent. I thought that I was helping these people by doing things that would "make them happy" or that would "make them realize that everything is going to be okay." In fact, I lost myself. I don't know what I need or want. What things do I like to do? Who am I? Let me tell you how incredibly worn out it makes you, when you do nothing but focus on someone else's well being and not your own. You will literally make yourself sick.
I've been depressed since a very young age. I've seen and experienced things that no one should experience. My mentality became cold, and so did my heart and also my mouth. I could run my mouth to just about anyone. This included my mother, my father, my sister, my step-father, etc. I just became cold. I still do this. Some days are harder than others. I will take what little positive reinforcement I get, because I really don't get it that much.
With being co-dependent, I felt like it was non-stop failed attempts to make my relationships work. I, myself, was convinced that I was somewhat of a failure. I've learned that it wasn't me. In fact, I want to say, it wasn't anyone's fault. Everything I ever did was a choice, and most things I taught myself to do, which lead to the series of unfortunate events and the time I wasted wondering "what did I do wrong?" I have distanced myself from certain people for my own reasons. Reasons that I do not wish to share. Mainly because I cannot be happy around them, and there is a lot to be said for that. A lot of that stems from co-dependency. You begin to resent those people, and then in due time, your relationship with those individuals becomes something that it shouldn't.
In the short time I've lived on my own, I've learned how hard it really is not having someone next to me while I sleep. Not having someone here when I'm not feeling good or I'm really sick. Not having someone to go with me to walk the dogs. It's hard to shut my brain off when I am trying to go to sleep. I think about everything; work, the dogs, my family, you name it... I'm thinking about it. I already know that eventually I will find what I deserve. I will find a happy medium, and I will also find comfort in all things. I will be independent, and I cannot and will not let negative people ruin me. If it's one thing I've learned about being co-dependent in a relationship, it's also a mechanism to let someone take your control. It's a train wreck that happens slowly, and the crash is absolutely unbearable. Always remember where you came from, and no matter what happens in your childhood or any time in your life, you have the choice to make things great or to make things miserable. Life can be both, but don't try to force it. Let life happen, and fight to be the best you can be.
“I know when to say no and when to say yes. I take responsibility for my choices. The victim? She went somewhere else. The only one who can truly victimize me is myself, and 99 percent of the time I choose to do that no more. But I need to continue to remember the key principles: boundaries, letting go, forgiveness after feeling my feelings—not before, self-expression, loving others but loving myself, too.”
-Melodie Beattie (codependent no more)
"Codependency is a type of dysfunctional helping relationship where one person supports or enables another person's drug addiction, alcoholism, gambling addiction, poor mental health, immaturity, irresponsibility, or under-achievement."
- Wikipedia
For the longest time, I felt that my duties were to be successful as a girlfriend and hopefully, someday, as a wife. I want a family, a good job. I want what everyone calls as "The American Dream." I was raised to do right by people, because then they'll do right by you. I've gotten nothing but disappointment from that phrase. Not to say that there aren't people that I've met in the past 7 years that have been absolutely wonderful! Just the same, the wrong people have also impacted my credibility (and so much more). I became co-dependent. I thought that I was helping these people by doing things that would "make them happy" or that would "make them realize that everything is going to be okay." In fact, I lost myself. I don't know what I need or want. What things do I like to do? Who am I? Let me tell you how incredibly worn out it makes you, when you do nothing but focus on someone else's well being and not your own. You will literally make yourself sick.
I've been depressed since a very young age. I've seen and experienced things that no one should experience. My mentality became cold, and so did my heart and also my mouth. I could run my mouth to just about anyone. This included my mother, my father, my sister, my step-father, etc. I just became cold. I still do this. Some days are harder than others. I will take what little positive reinforcement I get, because I really don't get it that much.
With being co-dependent, I felt like it was non-stop failed attempts to make my relationships work. I, myself, was convinced that I was somewhat of a failure. I've learned that it wasn't me. In fact, I want to say, it wasn't anyone's fault. Everything I ever did was a choice, and most things I taught myself to do, which lead to the series of unfortunate events and the time I wasted wondering "what did I do wrong?" I have distanced myself from certain people for my own reasons. Reasons that I do not wish to share. Mainly because I cannot be happy around them, and there is a lot to be said for that. A lot of that stems from co-dependency. You begin to resent those people, and then in due time, your relationship with those individuals becomes something that it shouldn't.
In the short time I've lived on my own, I've learned how hard it really is not having someone next to me while I sleep. Not having someone here when I'm not feeling good or I'm really sick. Not having someone to go with me to walk the dogs. It's hard to shut my brain off when I am trying to go to sleep. I think about everything; work, the dogs, my family, you name it... I'm thinking about it. I already know that eventually I will find what I deserve. I will find a happy medium, and I will also find comfort in all things. I will be independent, and I cannot and will not let negative people ruin me. If it's one thing I've learned about being co-dependent in a relationship, it's also a mechanism to let someone take your control. It's a train wreck that happens slowly, and the crash is absolutely unbearable. Always remember where you came from, and no matter what happens in your childhood or any time in your life, you have the choice to make things great or to make things miserable. Life can be both, but don't try to force it. Let life happen, and fight to be the best you can be.
“I know when to say no and when to say yes. I take responsibility for my choices. The victim? She went somewhere else. The only one who can truly victimize me is myself, and 99 percent of the time I choose to do that no more. But I need to continue to remember the key principles: boundaries, letting go, forgiveness after feeling my feelings—not before, self-expression, loving others but loving myself, too.”
-Melodie Beattie (codependent no more)
There's something very impressive about this post and the one previously shared, aside from how articulately written they are and even how genuine, vulnerable and heartbreaking they are. What I really enjoyed was the wisdom and encouragement that they exude. You're not promoting a mentality of victimism, but resilience, not assigning blame to others, but taking responsibility for your life. You're making positive and healthy choices that improve your surroundings and yourself, all the while laying waste to the menacing burden of depression. You may see yourself as in some way damaged by your experiences. But I see someone who has overcome and grown through them, uncovering her marvelous self worth. In the midst of adversity, you've retained and developed the uncommon gem of humility. I'm refreshed to hear a perspective as gracious and mature as yours. It is rare and it is special. Thank you for offering hope to people out there in unhealthy relationships, who may be deceived into thinking they have no way out or no reasonable expectation for joy in their lives. You're using your past hardships to inspire and that is a blessing. Keep speaking life, people need more of that.
ReplyDeleteDale Alverson